Nelson's Big Book of Laughter

Top Highlights

“Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, ‘When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, ‘ I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.’ The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.’ The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say … ‘Look, he’s moving!’’” (Pages 7–8)

“When the new preacher moved into town, one of the first people he met said, ‘I certainly hope that you’re not one of these narrow-minded ministers who think that only the members of their congregation are going to heaven.’ ‘I’m even more narrow-minded than that,’ replied the preacher. ‘I’m pretty sure that some of the members of my congregation aren’t going to make it.’” (Page 6)

“In Minnesota three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems. ‘I got so mad,’ said Pastor Johnson, ‘I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats.’ ‘I tried trapping them alive,’ said Pastor Linquist. ‘Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned.’ ‘I haven’t had any more problems,’ said Pastor Stephens. ‘What did you do?’ asked the others amazed. ‘I simply baptized and confirmed them,’ he replied. ‘I haven’t seen them since.’” (Page 19)

“My minister told me that at my age I should be giving some thought to what he called ‘the hereafter.’ I told him that I think about it many times a day. ‘That’s very wise,’ he said. I explained that it’s not a matter of wisdom. It’s when I open a drawer or a closet and ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’” (Page 14)